one hundred yen
by Vrock8
Summary: an oc-centric crossover with "kill puppies for satan" tabletop rpg. murder, hate, blasphemy.
1. entry one

my name is jake and i kill puppies for satan. i decided to write this journal because it's winter and i'm alone and have nothing to do in my small cold home on the edge of the human village.

so, about me. i'm cold. cold, fucked up, mean and relentless motherfucker. and a lot of people hate me, but i don't care. this is just how i roll.

i'm twenty one, fast enough to outrun yuyuko and strong enough to crush a puppy with a single hit of a standard-issue shovel. i have two eyes (an important detail, considering how i nearly lost one last winter), a ratty beard covers my face and a suit woven from puppy skins covers my body. they make lousy insulation, but it's what i have, the prices on clothing spiked this year, and in no small part it is my achievement.

i think i will dedicate this first entry to it. i caused a supply shortage this year, and this is how:

it was summer, and keine decided to make this holiday for humans, copy some outer world festival, stalls, yukatas, goldfish-scooping, fireworks, all that bullshit. our keine, she's like that, she wants to keep people happy, be useful, be logical so we forgive her for her time of the month when she howls, rips off her dress and goes about, raping men of the village.

well, not really, but the reality when she dresses up in green, smiles and prances about, creating history, is much worse. i know firsthand, and perhaps i should give my hatred for keine some context.

there was that history event, two centuries ago. a monk was murdered by a mysterious assassin, and with his dying breath the mythical fucker cursed the guy. bad news, the monk never saw the face of the murderer, so the curse spread out and lingered around the village without much purpose, stuck to random people for little reasons, really minor stuff like crop infections.

so keine decided to fix it, give the curse a target so it would fulfill itself and die out in the past. she made it so the monk would tear away the cowl of the assassin and see his face. really great idea, worked perfectly, guy got leprosy, justice served, right?

yeah, right, except the assassin had a family, and the curse went down the family line. my family line.

i was twelve at the time. woke up one day and discovered that our family was now cursed. discovered our family was now a black sheep, white crow, five-legged dog of the community. "murder ilk", that's how they called us.

keine apologized next day and promised to fix everything at the next full moon. three days later, our house burned down, curse, arson, no way to find out now. all i know is that neighbors told us to fuck off when we asked for help, we lived on the streets for a while and a week later was the first time i ate a rat.

we didn't die, keine did revert everything at the next full moon, but the "cursed" nickname clung to us, and the damage was fucking done. i didn't follow satan back then, so when keine apologized again i even said to her adorably "i forgive you", but a lingering feeling of "fuck you, bitch" remained, and only grew over the years.

so when she declared for the festival to be held, i firmly decided to ruin it whatever the cost, to finally pay her back, make it even.

the festival approached, everybody was serious and driven and worked very hard to make it happen. keine talked to yukari about special outer world fireworks, they had deep and slow conversations as they walked around the village, they inspired authority and yukari looked so fucking hot in her summer dress, those boobs of hers simply divine.

they all worked, but i worked the hardest of all. the thing is, satan doesn't give his powers to every evil bloke out there. it is a privilege to be earned, and not by being wicked, twisted or fucked up in the head. to slaughter puppies in his name is the way.

so i worked on that. yes, killing puppies is not a hunt or some thrilling experience, it's work, boring, hard and pretty messy. puppies bleed, yelp, sometimes they don't die after one shovel strike. sometimes they don't die even after the third one, but long story short, i racked up some fluffy body count and felt i was ready.

the festival started at sundown, and it was really kind of a big thing. lots attended, reimu and marisa, remilia as usual brought sakuya, and aya was all around the place, snapping pictures for her paper. keine was nervous, she kept pacing from stall to stall and asking if everything was all right.

the sun set and festivities went on, couples hugged and kids played stupid stall games. me, i was sitting out of the light radius, trying very hard to hold all the evil i collected inside of me so it wouldn't burst before it was time.

eventually it all wound down, and keine decided it was time for the grand closure. she called out and yukari gapped in to oversee the fireworks launch.

so there they stood, and keine clapped her hands and announced: "people of the human village! it is time for the main event, the special fireworks display courtesy of yukari-sama!"

she acted tough, but she didn't sound confident. maybe she felt the approaching disaster somehow, maybe she really never had faith in yukari from the start and expected some kind of a prank from the hag. our yukari, she's like that, she likes to fuck around, most often does harmless things, fondles people, gaps away food, minor stuff like that. most of the time, not always. sometimes people get hurt.

the fireworks took off, making streaks of sparks in the air. everyone looked up, smiled and waited for booms and pretty explosions. i raised my hand and released satanic evil into the sky.

and instead of sparks and lights, the rockets exploded into liquid shit.

obviously the shit didn't glow, so nobody saw it coming until the drops reached the illuminated area. and after that for everyone slower than aya it was too late to run.

well, our heroes of the land wouldn't be heroes if they didn't have crazy reflexes and allowed themselves to fully relax when yukari was around. aya ran, reimu put up a yellow energy shield above her, marisa and probably ten nearby villagers, sakuya blinked and time-jumped with her mistress out of the shit zone, and yukari simply collapsed upon herself for a second, allowing the drops to go past her.

everyone else took a hit, including keine. there was awkward silence, everybody just stood, covered in shit. yukari unfolded herself and floated a bit up.

"yu-yukari… what… why…" keine stuttered out. marisa added a few profanities to that. the children started sobbing.

yukari didn't defend herself. she opened a gap and went away, just like that. i don't know why, maybe it's because she wanted to do something like this for a long time, just didn't have an excuse. maybe she got upset that everyone blamed her. maybe she simply didn't give a fuck.

we haven't seen her since then, and that's why our outer world supplies are nearly out.

and that's the end of that story. no real investigation, aya poked about and that was it. we cleaned the shit up on the next day (i volunteered for the job, got some good money out of it), keine ate the history of the event, and nobody really spoke of it afterwards, most forgot it ever happened. i played an important part, so i didn't forget. i will never forget how keine's face looked like right before the hit.

well, that's it, getting late. probably will write of how i came to follow satan next time.


	2. entry two

my parents died when i was fifteen. both on the same day, like in fucking fairytales.

really not much to write about. it was at the end of winter, the year was harsh on us, so it happened like it usually does – too much work, too much stress, not enough food. flu, pneumonia, death. for my parents, for me just flu and pneumonia.

when i crawled out of fever and shakes i found out that my old folks were already buried. i also found out i hit a very sweet spot with my age – just about right to be too old to be put in the orphanage, just about too young to enter woodworker guild like my dad. also, i still had a reputation of being cursed those days, and woodworker guild of human village was and still is a very serious business.

long story short, two weeks passed from the funeral, people stopped looking at me with an expression of "oh, poor kid" and returned to their usual "hoo boy, here comes cursed jake". i went to school, stared into the window for a few hours, then went back home.

i opened the door and there she was, right in the living room, yuyuko saigyouji, in all her purple transparent glory, spectral butterflies around. "hello, jake," she said.

i slammed the door and ran away, really fucking fast.

i was a pretty learned kid. my mother, may her soul reincarnate into a pus-spitting toad, she always saw me as some kind of a genius, so she pushed these lessons in music and history and math and holy fuck how i hated her for those lessons.

but anyway, there was this book, probably my favorite book, with pictures and shit, a book about youkai, how to talk to them and how to survive encounters with them. and the ghost princess yuyuko was in the section that had red "run away" warnings all over it.

so i ran, on the icy squelching sludge, and she chased me, shouting "no! come back! i only wanted to talk!" yeah, right, we all know how these talks go:

"jake, your parents are dead and miss you very much. would you like to see them again?"

"um… no?"

"well, too bad, i'm taking you to them. it might hurt a bit as your soul is being removed, please be still for a moment."

moanzap. and i'd be dead, so i ran like hell. she was slow, but had the advantage of being able to pass through buildings. i was fast, but had to take turns and could slip and fall, which by the omnipotent power of dumb luck i didn't.

and so, despite me being not very healthy after the winter and flu, i still made it to the school first and ran towards keine's office. wanted to collapse dramatically into her arms, but at the moment she was standing on the chair and rearranging books on the upper part of the bookshelf, so i settled for the carpet instead. which was a good thing because i vomited right after i fell.

yuyuko floated in, and a long discussion ensued, don't really remember the details. they argued, accused one another of various things, and after awhile keine ordered me to wait in the corridor. i did so, they argued some more, and in the end yuyuko floated out and said it was all a misunderstanding and that she was sorry for scaring me. i didn't follow satan back then, so i said "i forgive you" without really meaning it.

but i didn't hate her either, as i could boast to my classmates i outran yuyuko after that. it raised my status somewhat and got me the reputation of a decent runner for a while.

that spring i quit school and got plunged into a real scary world of adults. which mostly involved such jobs as sheep herding and grass mowing. and as for personal relationships the first girl

/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\/\/\ /\/\

tore out a page here, because the description of my love life in years sixteen to nineteen ended up being a full page of whiny moaning, with word construction "dumb bitch" used five times. short version – cursed jake didn't get any.

but it all changed when i met satan.

haha, of course not. if puppy killing was a surefire way to get laid, fuck, the puppy numbers would go from infinity to zero in a flash. it's just "it all changed when i met satan" was a thing i always wanted to write. it looks so cool on the page.

anyway, at the age of nineteen i finally managed to replace the "cursed jake" nickname with a "bitter jake" one. learned a few trades, established a reputation of a guy for whom no job was dirty enough as long as pay was at least a hundred yen per hour (and two years ago, a full meal cost two hundred), and had a pretty good perspective on my life, death and afterlife.

then i met satan. it was early autumn, i just finished digging up potatoes my backyard, spent a whole day on it, that day was a particularly shitty one.

i turned to my back door and saw a guy sitting on the bench beside it. an ordinary guy, not from the village, maybe in his forties, in casual clothing, pants, shirt, shoes, like everyone. face pretty average too, couldn't place it.

so he looked at me. "good evening," he said. "i am satan," he said.

i walked to him, put the shovel on my shoulder and glared. "get off my property," i said.

he chuckled, rolled his eyes and remained sitting. i menacingly waved my shovel. he didn't flinch.

"dude, seriously."

"call me "dude" again and i shall twist your body in such a way your anus would be permanently connected to your nose," satan said. he moved his finger and for a moment, very short moment, i felt something in my spine, like one vertebrae shifted slightly.

i shut my mouth. first rule of gensokyo – when weird shit that clashes with common sense is seen or heard – weird shit is to be believed in, because it is real. and that guy was for real. that guy was fucking horrifying.

"mister satan, may i help you?" i asked very politely.

"sure," he responded, reached down under the bench and pulled a puppy out. there was no gap, no flash of darkness, no sound, just a puppy out of nowhere. he dropped it in front of me. it was fluffy, adorable and blind.

"kill it, and i shall grant you power beyond your wildest dreams. and one hundred yen."

i killed puppies before. i mean, that's what you do, you kill little fuckers, otherwise you end up with masses of disease and flea-ridden barking horrors a few years down the line. still, didn't feel right somehow. i hesitated.

"one hundred yen," satan said. "an hour of work in the sun. half a meal."

i brought my shovel down. the puppy died. satan reached into his pocket and gave me a worn crumpled bill. he then reached under the bench again and pulled another puppy out.

"kill it, and i shall grant you power beyond your wildest dreams. and one hundred yen."

i hesitated again. this was not right. i felt dizzy. i had to say something.

"why are you doing this?" i asked.

"watching a puppy die gives me more pleasure than an autofellatio," he answered with a completely blank expression. i knew the word, and i knew what it meant.

"dude, what the fuck," i said. it was a mistake. the corners of his lips went up. i realized i was fucked.

"shall i fulfill my promise now or should we postpone it until you die?" he asked. i gulped down.

"i need more options," i said. he chuckled, and distant fires flashed in his eyes. then his face became exactly as it was before – blank.

"kill this puppy, and i promise i shall think about it," satan said.

i brought my shovel down. the puppy died. satan reached into his pocket and gave me a worn crumpled bill. he pulled another puppy out. i felt i was going to puke.

"i am sorry," i said.

"that you are."

"i am sorry," i said again. he pointed at the puppy instead of answering.

i brought the shovel down. the puppy died. the payment process repeated. another puppy appeared. i killed it. one hundred yen. another puppy. one hundred yen.

it went dark. he kept sitting, and kept pulling puppies out. it was a seventeenth one. i dropped the shovel, i couldn't take it anymore. i wanted to cry. i wanted for someone to help me. there was no one to help me.

"please, i need more options," i said.

"i am still thinking them up," satan said.

"please."

"you are pathetic."

i went silent. he went silent. i didn't pick the shovel up. he kept looking at me. i didn't cry. he didn't smile.

"this is the limit of your evil," he stated and covered the lifeless puppies with a gesture. i didn't respond. he put the seventeenth puppy under the bench and it vanished. he stood up.

"from now on for every puppy you kill you shall receive one hundred yen," satan said. "for every puppy you kill you shall receive a bit of my power. for every puppy you kill, i shall spend one more second considering your options."

"it is not fair," i said.

"it is not," he said.

he walked away, careful not to step on the dead puppy on the way out. i've never seen him again since then. i killed one hundred and thirty seven defenseless critters in his honor since then, not always puppies. that is more than two minutes, if he keeps his promise.

i don't think he is going to keep his promise.

it's getting late, and i need some sleep. probably will write next of how i nearly lost my eye last winter.


	3. entry three

everybody likes cirno. and no wonder why – she is an adorable airhead, and as the saying goes, there are only two types of women – dumb bitches and adorable airheads.

personally, i never gave a fuck about cirno. sure, i played "snowball swarm" and "outrun the avalanche" with her when i was a kid, but hell, who didn't. unlike my peers, i never remembered minor frostbites and snow behind my collar fondly.

but cirno was always around, all the way from october to may, and funny as it sounds, after a while i stopped noticing her. maybe even a hyperactive immortal flying girl with icicles for wings could become part of background if she stuck around for long enough, dunno.

last winter i got my usual winter job, snow and ice removal. it's a pretty dumb job, because snow just falls down and covers everything on the next day regardless of worker's efforts, but it is much better than, for example, winter fishing when the primary requirement is an ability to sit on the slowly freezing ass for ten hours straight.

it was mid january, the day before was unusually sunny and warm, and it meant that icicles formed again. it's no big deal in residential area, low roofs and shit, but someone had to remove the sharp boogers from the school before they fell and injured or killed some kids, so i took the job.

i went to the woodworker guild and got the siege ladder, the one with metal hooks on top so it holds against the roof edge. got a stick to knock the icy fuckers down, "caution" tape and went to work at dawn.

/\/\/\/- - -

i finished the front crease of the roof when keine came in for work. she didn't go for the front door, walked around to where i was. she stopped outside the tape and looked up.

"morning, jake," she said.

"yeah," i said, broke away the nearby icicle and held it in my hand. i wondered if i could hit keine with it. i wondered how her silver hair would look when spread on the bloodied snow. i wondered what was the turning point of my life at which i became so fucked up.

"we haven't talked in a long time," she said. "there are rumors in the village about you killing dogs and other small animals. i wanted to check if everything was all right with you."

i was out of satanic power that day, don't remember why. when people ask me such questions and try to move closer by faking care, i usually burn evil on a minor spell that makes my lies very convincing. that day i didn't have that option, but it was keine, and she always kinda not hated me. i decided to be myself.

"why the fuck do you suddenly care?" i asked. she frowned.

"i am the village guardian, it is my duty. you were my student once and i will always remember you as one. i think two reasons are more than enough, so if there is a problem, i'd like to help you."

"the people are talking shit," i said. "they always have, and you know it. and some big help you were when they called me cursed for years."

this hurt her. she didn't show it.

"i did all i could, and i thought we were both over it long ago," she said. i realized i went too far. i decided to back off and not push it.

"we are. sorry for bringing it up," i lied. she didn't buy it. she didn't show it. there was a pause.

"i am behind schedule," i said. "i'll talk to you later today, when we both finish work. stand back, i'm about to drop this."

i opened my hand, and the icicle fell. it shattered on the ground, and some chunks reached keine's feet. she faked a concerned smile. maybe she made a concerned smile, can't know for sure.

"you are working hard today, so please be careful, don't rush it. we can talk tomorrow."

"tomorrow, then," i said. i thought of where i would have to find some puppies to kill in the meantime.

keine left. i continued breaking down icicles and finished another side of the roof.

then cirno came out of fucking nowhere.

/\/\/\/- - -

considered tearing out the page of my pointless conversation with keine, changed my mind. there is a reason i still remember it so clearly after all, and the reason is that during that exact conversation i realized that was it. that was how my interactions with people would go in the future, that was how i would solve all my problems, that was how my life would be. i couldn't place my feeling at the time, but i can now. a fucking sad and upsetting epiphany, that's what it was.

anyway, cirno flew up to me from behind, waved her arms and shouted, "hey, you! stop bashing down my icicles! they are pretty!"

"cirno, fuck off," i said. it was a mistake.

maybe she knew what it meant, or maybe she didn't like how i said it, but cirno got angry. second rule of gensokyo – don't make youkai, any youkai, angry. i broke it, and retribution came with no delay whatsoever.

"you are mean!" cirno shouted and circled around. "stop destroying the last vestiges of the icicle beauty! go away!"

now, she was in front of me and in front of the ladder hooks. she grabbed them and, being a fucking idiot, she tried to detach the ladder from the roof. she fucking succeeded.

she didn't lift the ladder up of course, but when her initial pull failed she decided that her ice powers would help her. the cold spread from her fingers, and when she pulled again the hooks broke off from the brittle and frozen wood.

the rear end of the ladder slid back, and i hit the pavement along with the front end. it wasn't that high of a drop, and i was in heavy winter clothes and mittens, so managed to break only the right wrist and two ribs.

that, and my face connected with the shards of icicles that littered the ground. i blacked out for probably a minute, and when i woke up i thought my skull was open, so much blood was in front of me.

despite the fucking unbelievable pain i picked myself up, covered my bleeding face with a mitten and hobbled towards keine's office. wanted to collapse dramatically into her arms and smear her with my blood, but fell and passed out in one of the corridors instead. maybe it was for the best, traumatized a lot of kids this way.

ten minutes later came recess time and the kids found me. keine flew to get the village doctor, a really swell guy, saved my eye and the stitches on my face are barely visible now. keine visited me later, looked so guilty as if she blamed herself for my fall. talked some shit, don't really remember, not important. my face was bandaged, and i used that as an excuse to not talk, wrote with my good arm a note for her, "leave me alone" note. she left me alone.

i never told anyone it was cirno, and cirno didn't either. she, maybe she got afraid of all the blood and responsibility, or maybe she just forgot about it in a few days as she does. me, i blamed the woodworker guild and their shoddy ladder so they would pay my medical bills. there was an investigation and questioning, but i passed everything with ease because of satanic lies.

it did not turn out all that well, though. they did pay, but they didn't hire me this year, and this is why i write this journal now – no work. i'll survive on puppy money then. saved up a bit.

getting late. will write about satanic powers next time.


	4. entry four

i never wanted for this to turn out like it did. fucking cirno. motherfucking cirno. fuck. fuck!

gotta stay calm. gotta be coherent. i have to make sense. i am not insane. maybe someone else will read it someday. maybe keine will read it. i am not insane, as most insane people claim. but i am not.

satanic powers. i promised i would write about them. i am going to keep my promise, now with some fucking context.

satan. didn't know about him before i met him, but wanted to find out about him afterwards. better the devil you know, haha, so funny. i'm not insane, i just feel like i am not in my own head. fucking satanic regeneration ritual. fucking cirno.

satan, again. first power he gave me, the power to convince, the power to lie. the power to make people forget they spoke to me. it has limits, doesn't work every time. wish it worked today. wish it fucking worked today!

satan. i found out about him, was careful, didn't do anything stupid, didn't overreach. got a few outer world books, nothing occult, just fiction and educational ones.

he is a big deal in the outer world. those people, they don't spread their faith. one god, the creator of all, ultimate good. one betrayer, one villain, second only to him, satan, the ultimate evil. like reimu and marisa, yeah, just like them. reimu always beats marisa, marisa never gives a fuck. haha, funny. fun_

blacked out there, took a break after woke up, cleared my head. maybe shouldn't write under influence, but it may take up to a week for the regeneration ritual to fade, and they may find me tomorrow. they may find me even before the dawn. fuck, have to hurry, have to stick to the point.

god and satan. reimu and marisa, only not friends, so kaguya and mokou. hate each other, but both are truly immortal and can do jack shit to win by brute force, found that out an eternity ago. they still fight, in a different way. when the last human dies, the one who got more souls to join his team would win. and whoever wins, that one was right all along, right about his way to do things.

and so they keep fighting. god promises eternal bliss and happiness in the afterlife, but his followers have to pay the price in advance, be faithful, do good deeds, educate their children, uphold the seven virtues, the list goes on and on and on. satan doesn't demand anything, he lets them have everything, their every desire, every pleasure right away.

then they go to hell, and it is nothing like the hell of gensokyo, oh no. they are not cleansed there, they are not burned wholly and given the second chance. they boil in oil, and those who were more twisted motherfuckers in life fan the flames. those who were even more fucked up poke them from time to time with pitchforks and enjoy their screams. until the last human dies. if satan wins, then until the stars burn out.

and satan, he likes those weak boiled fuckers, they are low maintenance, and it is so easy to get them to join. make a person break, lose faith, and they would go to hell for a chance of cheap fuck. they would go to hell for one hundred yen.

it's all in the little things, hundreds of little things that pile up and suffocate them. a person has five messy breakups in a row and stops searching for love, settles for less. a person loses a job after fob and settles for less. a mild, non-debilitating disease that resists any treatment. an old house in which something breaks every other week. a dog that barks every night under the window. a squeaky well pulley.

people slip, little by little, eat themselves from the inside, try to hide from reality, turn to bottle, to gambling, to drugs for escape. and me, i am supposed to help them slip. not push them, just pour lard on the slope of their downfall. and they tumble, and they fall, and they hit rock bottom.

and then satan knocks on their door.

i don't want to do this, but i can't help it. satan got me by the balls, and not because i called him "dude". i lost faith, lost it somewhere between ages sixteen and nineteen, he knocked on my door, he was right there to help, and now i am his bitch, i am bound for his hell, i have to kill puppies, fuel my evil, fuck up the lives of villagers in hundreds of insignificant ways, all to earn myself something… anything, i don't even know anymore.

and everything else is for survival, to cheat fate and live another day, to continue the disease spread. and because of that, i am regenerating right now. because of that, i killed cirno three hours ago.

i went to the woods to check my traps. it's much harder to find young enough puppies in winter, i have to sacrifice rabbits instead, modify the traps so instead of killing they hold them. i take the fluffy blobs home, disembowel and mutilate them. satan appreciates. one hundred yen on my desk.

and this time it was really like any other time. i got the rabbit, stuck it in a sack, went home, went to my basement, stripped naked, started chanting. started cutting the fucker up. started drawing on my skin, on the walls with blood. started dancing.

there was a crash, someone kicked the basement door in. i turned, and there cirno was, right at the doorway, her mouth open in shock, her eyes - two solid o's.

i stopped moving. i realized no lie would cover what she saw. i realized i'd have to kill her and hope for a memory loss or fuck i don't know. it was just so out of nowhere, i never thought anyone would be dumb enough to break into my home for no reason. it was just so fucked up, i lost control, i should have stayed calm, i should have lied better. i fucked this up.

"were you stalking me?" i asked. cirno shut her mouth. her lips trembled. then she shouted at me.

"you, i knew you were up to no good! i saw your face, your eyes, and i knew you were up to no good! i followed you and i was right! let the bunny go!"

"of course, right away," i said, weaved a spell into it. "i am going to let the bunny go, then you will leave and you will not tell anyone what you have seen here."

the spell didn't work, she didn't believe me. i knew she wouldn't believe me. there was too much dried blood on the floor and walls for her to believe me. there was too much spiritual evil in the air for her to believe me.

"you are evil," she said.

"i am," i said, took a step back, stepped on the stomach of the rabbit. it screamed.

"stop! stop it!" cirno shouted and rushed to me. it was a mistake.

satanic powers come in only one flavor – fucked up. the rabbit died under my foot and it gave me the energy rush i needed. i had a dagger in my hand, i threw it at her. in flight, it turned into a snake. she dodged left.

i threw my left arm to her. it elongated, and i felt the bones shift, i felt the sinews tear. i caught her by the leg and slammed her into the ground.

she fired a blast of hail at me. i took the hit, no fancy shit, just took it to the stomach. pissed blood after that, it hurt so much. she didn't hold back, and i can understand why.

i ran to her, fell on her, knocked air out of her, pinned her to the ground. looked for my dagger, but it was still a snake. cirno caught her breath, and i realized her next attack would kill me.

i grabbed her icicle wing, cut my palm, my fingers to the bone. i screamed and pulled on the wing. it broke off, and i slammed it into her face, got her in the mouth. she had water instead of blood. i pushed on the icicle and it went out at the back of her head.

she died. went glassy-eyed, went limp, started to dissolve into water and ice. fucking cirno. stupid curious idiot.

i wonder what would have happened if it was not her, if it was just some kid from the village. what would have happened if it was my neighbor who is so strong he can bend horseshoes with his bare hands. what would have happened if it was keine.

i got away with my satanic fuckery for more than a year already. sometimes they caught me, not directly in the act, always nearby, and i always lied, and somehow weaseled my way out without resorting to something like this.

i don't know if i'm going to get away with it this time. still got some time before cirno resurrects. still got some time to prepare, to heal my wounds, to fortify my home. don't know if i should.

i should get some sleep. fucking regeneration ritual. fucking cirno.

fuck.


	5. entry five

it has come to an end. it was inevitable it would come to this, and still i hoped, hoped with all my heart for salvation, for a miracle.

yukari always knew it was me. like the all-knowing god of the outer world, the beloved creator, the guardian of all, she knew. she was willing to forgive me, they all were willing to forgive me, to accept me. and like satan, in my fear, in my pride i pushed them away.

it was my fear that led me to this, my fear only. if only i was stronger, if only i could find courage to confess sooner, but i just could not. i beg for forgiveness now, it is the least

no.

no, you don't fucking write in my journal. you don't fucking forge my script and you don't judge my motivation. you don't portray me as a coward and turn this whole thing into an extended suicide note. fuck you, keine. enjoy your hospital stay, bitch.

fuck, i have to calm down. i have to do it right, i have to deliver the message. i have to be calm so it makes sense. i have to put things in order.

so here is my version of what happened. as keine wrote, like god, yukari knew, and like god, she didn't give a fuck. she just didn't, even after i humiliated her in front of the whole village with my shit shower. the strong don't give a fuck. the weak squeal.

cirno squealed. i think she forgot the details when she died, but she probably remembered the naked bloodied man. she told keine. keine skipped the miko and asked yukari directly who fucked up the village for the whole year. yukari probably yawned and said "it was jake".

keine set up a trap for me. she wanted to do it all by herself, to "save" me all by herself. it was a mistake.

i spent a few days at home. healed up, re-set my arm, made some night prowls for rabbits. decided not to rack evil to maximum after all, stored my average amount and decided to just live my life while i had the chance. haha, life. ate, slept, shat, regenerated, hours upon hours of pain. ran out of food. went to the market.

keine was there. she wanted to make our meeting look accidental, but i knew her pretty well, she was my teacher for seven years after all. she was up to her eyes in lies.

she faked a smile and walked to me. she said hello. i said hello.

"we need to talk," she said.

"here is fine," i said. she nervously looked at all the people around us.

"what's the matter," i said. "you are acting odd."

"it's not what you think."

"you don't know what i think."

"i just wanted to talk."

i yawned. the marketplace was always a busy area, but an empty space started forming around us. people started glancing and whispering.

"i want to hire you," keine said. "the papers are at my office. we'll talk details on the way."

she lied. she lied so hard. there was only one thing it meant, but i was ready. i wanted to be sure.

"i am not taking jobs anymore" i said. "i am moving away from the village, gonna be a hermit in the mountains, ponder the universe. came in for supplies, glad i met you, wanted to say goodbye later, but here you are. thanks again for saving my life last winter."

it was an epic load of complete bullshit, but it breached her armor. she cracked, her face went from "what the fuck?" to "oh no, you fucking don't" expression in half of a second, and she raised her arm.

"jake, i can't let you go, you…"

i didn't wait for the end of her dramatic speech. i turned and ran, really fucking fast.

she didn't fire at me, lots of people were around, she'd hit them. she went airborne, gave chase. i dropped on all fours, grew myself some talons for better traction on ice and ran home.

i wouldn't survive in the wilds. winter, youkai, a hundred more reasons. i didn't want to face trial, because they would piece everything together. puppies, fireworks, cirno, all the lies, everything i did with the powers, infested homes with bed bugs, gave pretty girls skin rashes and warts, everything.

and no matter how kind or understanding keine and reimu are, they wouldn't allow for such filth to fester on in the village. i would be spiritually castrated and banished to die in some cave. fuck that.

so i ran, because there was something i still wanted to save. this journal, yes, those ten, now twelve pages, i wanted for it to outlive me. i wanted for it to be read, for someone to read my story, to pass the message that when satan knocks on the door it is already too late to run. i don't know if the message would be clear just by four entries, but fuck, now it is. definitely is.

so i ran, howled like a rabid wolf on the way, why the hell not at that point, and people stopped in shock when they saw me, then some ran away, some gave chase. i made it home, slammed the door, ran upstairs, poured my remaining evil into the journal. the text is indestructible now, if the book is destroyed it will just wind up somewhere else, imprint itself on some wall, fuck if i know. will also probably look like shit, the ritual is fucked up like everything satan touches.

the journal glowed, i spent all power on it, and that was it, i thought, the end. keine reached the house, the crowd behind her, and she told them to stand back. she walked in.

i took the ritual dagger and slit my throat.

thought i'd die, but fucking regeneration ritual, still had it in my system. it hurt like fuck, i choked on blood and blacked out for probably ten minutes. probably stopped breathing too, don't know.

woke up on the floor, face up, blood on me, blood all around. surprisingly didn't cough, turned my head. keine was at the table, reading my journal.

well, i woke up, but i sure felt like i wasn't there, and sure saw things that weren't there. i saw her crying, and no fucking way keine would cry over me.

so i lay there, and she read my journal, sobbing. i couldn't move, couldn't say anything. not that i wanted to say anything, i was just glad keine was reading, always wanted for her to read it. i felt at peace, i really did.

the hallucination of her crying faded. she wiped her face, turned a page, picked up a pen and started writing.

this got me mad.

keine, i know you will be reading this again sometime, so here is something for you: fuck you. you can't change my life, you can't add or remove from it. you can't do this to other people either, because fuck, i know you are kind and smart and have only the best of intentions, but you can't just hide the history away from people to make the world a better place. you can't just add what you think would make the world a better place.

god, the god who created satan, that god gave people free will. who the fuck do you think you are to take that away from us?

so she started to write in my journal, and that pissed me off, real bad. the dagger was beside me, i picked it up with an unfeeling hand and stood up, on unfeeling legs.

i stumbled towards her. thought she'd hear, turn around, blast me away, kill me for good. she did turn, when it was too late, and she was never good at reflexes outside danmaku. i stabbed her, a downward strike over her collarbone, and the blade went all the way in. didn't want to hurt her that bad, but what happened – happened. too late to be sorry.

she screamed, pushed me away. i fell, lost my grip on the dagger, it remained in her. she gapped away, not her power, but yukari sometimes lends her powers to those who ask nicely.

keine, she is going to be all right, i'm sure. they have that youkai hospital for the heroes of gensokyo, they will put her on her feet in no time. i am really not that mad at her, i think she paid in full already for what she did to me. keine, you'll be reading this again, so again, fuck you, but i think we're even now. just so you know.

and as for me, i rested a bit, looked at the ceiling. felt sleepy, but had to see what keine had written in my journal after all, so managed to stand up and made it to the table.

and that's it, that's the end my story. sooner or later the people outside will start the "siege". in quotes because there is really nothing i can do to stop them. maybe can get another knife from the kitchen and try again, but what's the point? i might as well take a shot at the trial now, i sure earned a noose for myself. maybe even an axe if they'll be feeling generous.

i'm jake, and i killed puppies for satan.

the end

wait, still have most of the page left. tore the others away so nothing can be added, but gotta fill this with some gibberish too. might as well describe everything around me and what happens right now.

so, my room on the second floor. lots of blood around, a desk, a bed, a stained window. outside the window the crowd grows, the cowardly fuckers way too afraid to go in. a red dot in the air, growing bigger. reimu hakurei, of course. our pious, wise, righteous, devoted reimu came in person to ensure nobody else gets hurt.

she just landed. too far away to see her face clearly, but she looks distressed. is that my knife in her hand? it sure looks like one, still bloody. weird, why would she have it? did she come from the hospital?

people are asking her something. she shakes her head. people recoil from her, one woman cries out and falls to her knees. what the fuck?

reimu keeps talking, shows them the knife, points over her collarbone. the woman pleads to her. reimu shakes her head again, makes an apologetic gesture, "there is nothing we could do" gesture.

what the fuck? no, fuck no, no way. keine is fine. she is going to be all right.

reimu pushes through the crowd, she is making her way towards the house. i can see her face clearly now, and i know that expression all too well, a desire to hurt, to kill. and it makes no sense, i know i didn't do anything to deserve it from her.

keine is fine. i'm sure she is doing great. no way something bad could happen.

reimu just destroyed the front door. she is obliterating everything around her, but there is no reason for her to be mad, i don't deserve her rage. i killed cirno, but she is a fairy, she is fine. i hurt keine, but she is going to be all right.

reimu is upstairs. the door behind me shatters, but i don't want to turn.

keine, i'm s


End file.
